thinking of you

Yesterday, I broke down and cried. I was thinking of my dad, again. Haven't cried for almost 2 years every time I thought of my dad. I was kinda glad that I was able to cry when I thought of him. I feel more like a human now. Maybe I was just too stressful doing my assignments and projects, where all the deadlines were approaching soon. All the memories just came back like a lightning striking thru the gloomy sky. It was fast, yet terrifying and not easily forgotten.

Last CNY, I went out with my friends. We had tea at a cafe in my hometown. We were chatting all the way until a point where we were out of topic. Then, I started to look aimlessly at the people walking in and out the cafe. Then, I was thinking, maybe I might bumped into my dad in that particular cafe. The reality then pulled me back and gave me a hard smack on my face. I realized that my dad weren't here anymore. What was I thinking? Was I out of my mind? Gosh!! I was very sad back then and quickly told a joke and my friends and I laughed and I got over that matter soon.

I could still remember the feeling when I saw you lying peacefully in the coffin. It was heart-aching. It was so memorable. A peaceful face, like you have left behind all the troubles and problems in this world. I still wonder why God took you away. I have no one to blame and I don't want to blame anyone for your dead. After all, it is life, people come and go.

I went out with a friend today. After we ate out lunch, we sat in the restaurant and I started to tell my friend about my dad. I cried, in the restaurant.

I know I am very stupid to think this way. It is very idiotic, too. Every time I go out, I still have the hope to bump into my dad although I know it is impossible. Every time I see any uncle walking on the streets, I thought of my dad. His shadow is everywhere.

Whenever I'm alone, I think of my dad. Hate the feeling of being alone...I know I'm being very pathetic. Feel so tired hiding all these behind my smiling face. I am going to live in my own little closet, once again...
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