i miss him

i thought i had let it go but i didn't..not yet...
i have been missing my dad lately. i was spring cleaning my room today...there were a few things i bought for him earlier but i hadn't had the chance to give it to him. i can still remember that day, the day he passed away...i was working that morning, the second day of my work. normally, i would silent my mobile phone whenever i go out but that day i didn't silent it. i just didn't feel like putting my mobile in silent mode. i thought it was a bad omen...i got a call from my brother. my brother told me that our dad involved in an accident and asked me to get a day off from my boss and we rushed back to johor that afternoon. i didn't know what had happened until when i was on the way going back...someone called my sister and she turned on the loud speaker of her phone.
'is this sam?' the person on the other side asked.
'yes'
'i've got an order to send flower to your dad's funeral...what is your house's address?'
my sister started to cry said ' emm...it is...'
then, i started to cry perpetually... couldn't accept the truth that my dad has passed away...
i actually still had the hope that maybe it's a mistake...
but i cried the whole journey back then...
my sister then said to me ' be tough! settle whatever you need to settle now...don't cry when you get home, take care of mom...'
i called my boss and told him that i couldn't continue this job as i had some family affair that i need to settle.
i sms-ed Pastor Jason and Pastor Faith...told them what happened and i turned off my mobile phone. later i switched it on again and received a message from Pastor Jason. he told me not to turned off my phone and told me to keep in touch...
the journey back home then was excruciating...
when we reached home and saw all our relatives there...
my brother who was in another car reached home later than us. once he reached home, my mom went outside to get him and told him, ' dad is gone...he has left us...'
within 1 second, my brother knelt down in front our house and started to cry. he was on the edge of shouting at the same time...seeing that, my sister and i cried along together...
my brother crawled into the house, crying at the same time and greeted my dad, 'dad, i'm back...'
i guess it was too late for everything...too late for words, too late to do anything for my dad, too late for a farewell, too late for a last smile from my dad...
if i insisted not to work that time, i would have the chance to see my dad for the last time...i would have the chance to say goodbye...i would have the chance to be by his side before he breathed his last breathe...
sometimes, i kinda blame myself for not doing my best. after almost a year, i thought i could let go of this excruciating pain. until today, only i realized that i'm weak after all, i'm living in denial for all this while...
the pain of losing my dad has come back today, again...
i'm sad that i'll never going to have the opportunity to do or to give or to utter a word to my dad anymore...
i think i'm going back to live under my own shelter, under my own world again...how long will i keep myself from others this time?