it's a miserable life

It’s been a long and hectic week. I have been quite busy since Monday. I’ve traveled twice to Negeri Sembilan this week. My mum and I went to Negeri Sembilan last Monday and Wednesday to settle my late dad’s properties. It was tiring traveling back and forth the same day twice in a week. We have just handed some forms to the officer. The hearing will take place about six months later. I kind of feel relieved that the littlest part of the matter is settled for the moment.

The undertaker will be coming this Sunday to complete my dad’s funeral according to the Taoism practice. The ceremony will be held at about 6 p.m. Who knows how many hours it’s going to take? After the ceremony, my siblings and I have to rush back to K.L. I have class and they need to work the next day. It’s going to be exhausting. I still need to clean my room. The room must have been filled with dusts, spider-web, and some insects’ corpses for it’s been emptied for a couple of months. Sigh…double sigh…triple sigh….I still have a subject to register on Sunday midnight. I hope I can manage to ‘rebut’ this subject. It’ll be a sleepless night then…

Finally, I am going to be out of the house for good in just a matter of days. Feel so stressful staying in this house. My mum has forbidden me to do almost everything. I am treated like a puppet. I couldn’t go out at night and I couldn’t go out alone. My mum is moody most of the time. She also gets angry easily nowadays. I feel that I am victimized by her anger. I’m so stressful!!! I have no intention to blame my mum. I just couldn’t stand the way she restricted my freedom. It’s true that my mum provides me whatever I need. I would rather she gave me freedom. Being the youngest in the family, my opinions are neglected most of the time. They don’t seem to believe in what I say and do. I don’t think I’ll go back to my hometown anytime soon. I need some time to breathe. My dad would be disappointed in me for having such a rotten child.

I haven’t talked to Daddy for, like 2 months now. I lost my faith. I hope I can find the way back to Him. I regretted for burying Daddy in the bottom of my heart but it was my choice. I am distraught. I want to live in the past where my dad is still around. I want to meditate over my late dad. My mind is all over my late dad. Someone said~ you (I) have to forget him (my dad). You couldn’t see him now. Even when you miss him, you won’t be able to see him. You need to rip the memories of him out of your mind. Even if you couldn’t let him go, you must forced yourself to do so. But I don’t want to forget him. I can’t even remember his face vividly now. If I were to see him again, I would not be able to recognize him anymore. I’m terrified. I don’t want to not think about him.

It’ll be another semester of busy life. Uni life…speechless…

I can’t see the point of studying so hard for the purpose of examination. I still ended up in sucking results.

I can’t see the point of working like a cow in group works. Nobody would not care nor appreciate.

I can’t see the point of befriending with people. People are insincere creatures.

All in all, I can’t find the purpose of living in this world. I lost hope in people, I lost faith in God. I want to stay in my closet. I just want to live in ignorance…