sick of life

Some said that death is the most terrifying things on earth. Everyone will face death one day; it’s only the matter of time when you are going to meet it. For me, dying is not that scary but the pain of losing someone you love is far more excruciating than anything else in this world.
My dad passed away last year. Those who have been reading my blog might know about this. It has been 1 year and 2 months since he left us. Yet, I could still feel the pain of losing him.
My dad had always been the most supportive person on earth, at least to me. He never questioned me about what I did. All he ever did was to give me advice and told me to be extra tactful in all the things I did. Not even my mom, brother or sister had been this supportive to me. My dad trusted me. He trusted that I could do all things and that I could go far in my life.
The memory of riding on his piggyback when we went to some festivals is still clear on my mind. I loved the way he lifted me up so that I could have a better view of the surroundings. Back then, I didn’t know that lifting a person up on your shoulder could be so burdensome. He didn’t care about his well being, all he ever thought of was my happiness and enjoyment. I was so silly not to realize that when he was still alive.
I used to sit on his lap when we were watching tv. He also let me sat on his lap whenever I got bullied by my siblings and cheered me up.
He used to bath me when I was still young, probably before my primary years. He always put his hands on my forehead so that the shampoo won’t flow down and tear my eyes. He was so delicate and careful.
I used to ran to the door whenever he came back from work or outing, just to greet him or helped him took his water bottle so that he could feel the warmth of my love for him. Whenever he went out, I would run to the doorsteps and waived goodbye at him; and he would waive back. That was so long ago and I couldn’t remember when was the last time I did those things.
Whenever we got good results in public examinations, he never smiled or laughed but deep inside, I knew that he was happy and glad and felt proud of us. He was a quiet man, not expressing his feelings and emotions on his face easily. I always tried to make him happy and felt proud for having a daughter like me.
I always blamed myself for not appreciating him while he was alive. And now that he is gone, I always prayed that he could come back to us. From the bottom of my heart, I know that this is a prayer that would not be answered by God. I don’t blame God for taking my dad away, but till now, I still don’t understand the timing that God has set to take my dad away. I always think
What if my dad is still alive?
What if I could still see my dad?
What if I could still make my dad happy?
What if I could still spend time with my dad?
What if
What if…

I cried for 3 days when my dad passed away. I cried myself to sleep during the nights. When I woke up, I cried again. When I was just sitting somewhere alone, staring away in a far distance, I was thinking about my dad. When I was eating, I thought of the time when we ate together in the dining room. Tears came running profusely and I couldn’t control it.

For half a year after my dad passed away, I cried myself to sleep every night. There were so many sleepless nights. I cried every time I prayed to God. I cried even for nothing.

Losing someone that was dear to me was the hardest thing. I couldn’t get the chance to say goodbye. The last time I saw my dad was one week before he passed away. It was my semester break and I decided to come to KL to work. I could still recall that my parents walked three of us to the doorsteps and waived goodbye at us as we left. The image of my dad waiving at us was still clear in my mind. What if I didn’t come to work in KL, would I get the chance to say goodbye to him? I was so stupid that I wanted to earn money so much and left my dad and mom back in hometown. I should have spent more time to be with them. Maybe, I would get the chance to say goodbye to him then…