Am I strong?

Am I strong enough for everything that’s to come?
I thought I was strong. I thought I was tough. I thought I could bear the pain of losing him. I thought I could let go of the pain of losing him. I thought wrong. I was crying for the past few days. Apparently, I am weaker than I thought. The pain of losing him is still there. It feels like thousands of blades cut through my heart. I am so hurt. I couldn’t cry in front of my family. I need to be strong. If I were to fall, everyone would fall with me. I can’t let this happen to my family. I can’t mourn for my dad. This is a very sensitive issue in my family now. I know everyone in the family, my mum, my sister, my brother and I made believe that nothing happened. We laugh everyday but from the bottom of the heart, everyone is depressed.

There were some of my dad’s friends who talked about him whenever my mum met them. This has caused a big stir. My mum would cry. I tried to console her but to no avail. I cried as well. The more I consoled her, the more I cried. I still couldn’t believe that my dad had actually left us. My dad had moved on. He has another part of life to continue. Our journey of life still goes on.

Is it ok to bring the memories I shared with my late dad to the future? Is it ok to cry over him, even now? Or is it the time to be strong? Is it the time to let go of him?

With everyone in the family pretending that nothing happens, it’s driving me insane. I don’t know how long I can take it. One thing that I know is that I must pretend to be strong, at least until July, when I go back to Uni for my new semester.

Suddenly, I remembered a song sang by Josh Groban, titled ‘You Raise Me Up’

You raise me up
So I can stand on mountain
You raise me up
To walk on stormy seas
I am strong
When I’m on your shoulder
You raise me up
To more than I can be

That’s what my dad did. Love you, dad!!!